It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start. -Mother Teresa

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The Truth (and it is yucky)


I had some quiet time today. It was supposed to be my Teacher Institute Day - Michael took the girls for the afternoon so I could (uninterrupted) spread out as I organize and plan the school year. 

It was going fine until I came across a big family portrait that once hung above our fireplace.  It WAS  our family of 6. In it,  Nan is maybe 2 years old and the youngest....it was a picture from a different life.


It took me so off guard  that I immediately let out a cry...I just sat down right there and sobbed. Even as I write this now, I am back to crying. There is so much going on in my head (and heart) because of the activities of everyday-life I haven't dealt with it.

So my few hours of quietly preparing our school year are interrupted by the breaking of my heart. I miss the 3 people in that portrait that made us a family of 6. 

Those feelings are uniquely mine - Michael does not share them. 

He didn't understand and now he does.


When the question was officially asked, "Are you adopting?" 

One of us answered, "Yes!"

One of us answered, "No."

Our life hasn't been the same since. 


Regarding Di*na, Michael has worn his emotions on his sleeve and even wrote them out very publicly for you all to read. He went into hosting with emotional  abandon. 

I just went into hosting. 

As the weeks went by there were two of counting down the days until Di*na left: her and I. 

Michael was getting more and more irritated with me. He said I was, "Shutting Down" and "Being selfish with my emotions." (He very wisely didn't mention the amount of doughnuts I was consuming on a daily basis.)

The truth is that I didn't 'connect' with Di*na. She challenged my authority and (I felt) disrespected me most of the time. I met her needs but truthfully I just went through the motions most of the time. 

Can you guess who said yes and who said no?

My husband's anger and disappointment in me is hard to bear. It makes me "shut down" even more. 

The crazy thing is that I am acting like he usually does and he is feeling something I have felt for years. Yet here we are seemingly at odd with one another. 

To put it bluntly: It sucks. 

We are working through the details and the feelings. We are going on with our lives and our projects. We are just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward doing our best to leave behind the yucky and taking with us only the wisdom gleaned from this experience. 

This is such a simplified version of our life. It is also completely my perspective. 

I hate to even type it out here. I am scared to share not only this yucky stuff about me but anything on here. On a recent post, an anonymous person commented in a way that really hurt my feelings. I reacted poorly and in a way that embarrasses me.  

Yes, if you are a nosy-parker you can go back and check it out. I left it there (even though it is my blog and I could erase it) because I need the reminder that by sharing, I am putting myself out there and others will not always like what I say and do. When that happens, I need to respond as I should do everything: in love.

So here is a big ole' post of emotions and mess-ups. 
That is pretty much how I would describe myself also right now! 
(Aren't you glad you asked?)






9 comments:

  1. I think it's amazing that you're honest! That is never yucky. -Lissa

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  2. Thank you for this post, your honesty both blesses and challenges me. I bet the more honest you are, the more you will be able to work thru it.
    <3 Jenelle

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  3. Ryan and Linda HenryAugust 11, 2012 at 9:20 PM

    Laura,

    I was nosey and could not see you responding poorly. I believe what I found was exactly what I thought I would, and that was a well worded thought out response to a very hurtful comment.

    The author of the comment is quite the coward for not revealing themself and then throwing a one last jab at you to finish it off. We appreciate your openness in your blog and opening our eyes to many different things.

    They are a COWARD.

    Love The Henry's

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  4. I appreciate your honesty. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you & Michael to be feeling very different things. I'm sure that often comes with the fostering territory but MAN! Praying for your family in the days ahead. Love you, friend.

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  5. Oh Laura! I have thought of you so often during these past weeks. You are one of the best people I know. Never yucky!!!!! I'm sorry someone posted something hurtful. Hang in there! I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers. On a good note.....how stinking cute was Nancy in that picture?!!! You have have such beautiful girls!!!! We sure do miss her.

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  6. Oh Laura. Love you girl. It is VERY hard when you disagree with "how to feel" with your spouse. Andre and I have struggled with these same types of issues in our years together. Sometimes honesty causes disagreement. But as long as you know that love and hard work will allow you to work through anything together, you're doing great. Some days are just MUCH much harder than others. I applaud your bravery in sharing the bad, along with the good. You have risked much of yourself in having an open family...as well as sharing it with all of us. Thank you for doing so-I know that I have gained much from getting to share only a small part of your experience.

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  7. Oh Laura!
    This post just prompts me to instant prayer for you!
    So sorry you are hurting--for the pain of the loss of your first three children, for the emotions involved with D, and for the trial in your marriage. I'm trusting the Lord to refine you, your husband, and your marriage through this trial.
    I'm reminded of Passion and Purity when Elisabeth Elliot talked about letting go and the growth that pain produces.

    And yes, I'm nosy and peeked back at the anonymous comment. Your comment was much more gracious than the original comment which was obviously framed just to be hurtful, not helpful or constructive. The last jab at your grammar just proved his or her overall spirit. I'm sorry you had to experience that, but I guess that's an opportunity for growth as well. {hugs and prayers}

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  8. Laura, I don't know what it's like to go through anything related to adopting or fostering, but I DO understand your emotions in response to Michael...when I feel like my hubby is upset with or disappointed in me, I CANNOT. HANDLE. IT. Ugh, those have been some of the hardest times in our marriage. I'm praying for unity between you two! Thank you again for your honesty. {Sending you an air-hug...}

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  9. Laura, you are so many wonderful, amazing things but I think that HONEST is one of the most amazing things you are. Transparency. God uses that to challenge, encourage, and draw others in. Don't ever stop, you would be quenching the Spirit in my opinion.
    Can we say too much? Sure...Do I often say too much? Sure...Will God still use it? SURE!

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