I had some quiet time today. It was supposed to be my Teacher Institute Day - Michael took the girls for the afternoon so I could (uninterrupted) spread out as I organize and plan the school year.
It was going fine until I came across a big family portrait that once hung above our fireplace. It WAS our family of 6. In it, Nan is maybe 2 years old and the youngest....it was a picture from a different life.
It took me so off guard that I immediately let out a cry...I just sat down right there and sobbed. Even as I write this now, I am back to crying. There is so much going on in my head (and heart) because of the activities of everyday-life I haven't dealt with it.
So my few hours of quietly preparing our school year are interrupted by the breaking of my heart. I miss the 3 people in that portrait that made us a family of 6.
Those feelings are uniquely mine - Michael does not share them.
He didn't understand and now he does.
When the question was officially asked, "Are you adopting?"
One of us answered, "Yes!"
One of us answered, "No."
Our life hasn't been the same since.
Regarding Di*na, Michael has worn his emotions on his sleeve and even wrote them out very publicly for you all to read. He went into hosting with emotional abandon.
I just went into hosting.
As the weeks went by there were two of counting down the days until Di*na left: her and I.
Michael was getting more and more irritated with me. He said I was, "Shutting Down" and "Being selfish with my emotions." (He very wisely didn't mention the amount of doughnuts I was consuming on a daily basis.)
The truth is that I didn't 'connect' with Di*na. She challenged my authority and (I felt) disrespected me most of the time. I met her needs but truthfully I just went through the motions most of the time.
Can you guess who said yes and who said no?
My husband's anger and disappointment in me is hard to bear. It makes me "shut down" even more.
The crazy thing is that I am acting like he usually does and he is feeling something I have felt for years. Yet here we are seemingly at odd with one another.
To put it bluntly: It sucks.
We are working through the details and the feelings. We are going on with our lives and our projects. We are just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward doing our best to leave behind the yucky and taking with us only the wisdom gleaned from this experience.
This is such a simplified version of our life. It is also completely my perspective.
I hate to even type it out here. I am scared to share not only this yucky stuff about me but anything on here. On a recent post, an anonymous person commented in a way that really hurt my feelings. I reacted poorly and in a way that embarrasses me.
Yes, if you are a nosy-parker you can go back and check it out. I left it there (even though it is my blog and I could erase it) because I need the reminder that by sharing, I am putting myself out there and others will not always like what I say and do. When that happens, I need to respond as I should do everything: in love.
So here is a big ole' post of emotions and mess-ups.
That is pretty much how I would describe myself also right now!
(Aren't you glad you asked?)